New outlook on things...

Hey there,

While last year was crappy on so many levels, I have decided that this year will be much better.  I know darn well that it will take time but if I focus enough on the things that matter to me, it will make me a better person overall.

So with that being said. I have picked a few words to, hopefully, make me realize that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Here are the words that I want to focus on for the next, oh I dunno, 6 months or so:

Happy
Beautiful
Caring
and last but not least
Friendship

My goal is to post at least one thing about one of these words each week.  Am I a tad to hopeful? maybe. But if I don't focus on these things I'll end up right where I was this time last year - miserable. I don't want that for me or my kids.  We have had enough of that crap to last us a lifetime.

Will there be downer posts? most likely.  But if you read blogs on a regular basis - everyone has downer posts, it's life.  So, please be patient with me and I will be (working on it...) happy again..

In the meantime, enjoy this:

It's a pretty song and it's been helping me. 

Hugs
Kelly

First post for me in 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I know I'm a tad late with this but who really cares.

So Christmas is over, STBX is back at work (thank god!) and the kids are back at school/homeschool routines.  I'm going into this year with an open mind and hoping that 2012 is kinder to me than 2011 was.  My kids and I REALLY need things to calm down and return to some kind of normalcy (what ever the heck that is these days)

We are enjoying the lack of snow and cold here in Wisconsin. Which is VERY unusual for us.  By now, typically, we have tons of snow and it's really cold. But today, it's supposed to be in the upper 40's and close to 50 in some places around here today.  I swear, we are going to get hit and hit hard with snow and cold one of these days. But for now, I'll take what we are given. 

But part of me is still longing to be here:

This looks SO appealing to me. Sigh

Can you tell I'm wanting to go on a vacation??

Enjoy!

Kelly

Finally, the end of 2011 - My reflections

Hi guys,

Well here it is, the last Friday of 2011.  Where did the time go?  For some reason, this year went by really fast and not that I'm complaining or anything, it just went by fast.   The other night, when I couldn't sleep again, I was thinking about what went on during 2011 and I'm amazed at how much stuff went on.  For example:


January - We got a crap load of snow.  Not weird by Wisconsin standards, but none the less, we got snow.


Feb - I had to enroll Nichole ONE LAST TIME FOR HER SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. sigh..where did that time go??


March - Nathan turned 14 and Sam turned 11.  Again, where did those cute babies I brought home from the hospital go??  They are growing up so damn fast.  And yes Nathan towers over me now and Sam is not that far behind him... 


April, May and June - Can't remember much of those months.  I"m almost certain that things happened, but cannot remember for the life of me..


July - Renewed Nichole's temporary driving permit ONE LAST TIME!!   Found an old friend and became friends again after about 20 years of not seeing each other.  Best part of the year in my book!!! 


August - Paid for those High School fees for Nichole one last time and had her Senior Pictures taken. 


September - coming to grips and the reality that my marriage is over and starting the paperwork process to officially end it.   Nichole gets her driver's license on the first try (barely..haa haa)


October - Nichole turns 18!!!  I filed paperwork with the court system to end my marriage. 


November - Not much happening here.. 


December - No one in the house wants to celebrate Christmas due to all the personal issues going on. So we don't. No biggie in my book.  There will always be next year.


I do hope that 2012 brings better news for me and my kids.  I'll let you guys in on the journey as we take it. For those of you who still read this blog, I thank you so much.  It means a lot to me. 


Wishing you all a great start to the New Year.
Kelly

Christmas Eve 2011

So, I know I posted a downer of a blog post the other day and if you took offense to it, I'm sorry.  It's just not been a good year for me (both personally and financially).

Now, I know you guys in the South are used to having NO snow for Christmas but for us, up here, not so much.  Occasionally we will have the odd year where there is NO snow for Christmas and this is one of them.

So while we are supposed to have this stuff on the ground in December........we have this.......

Well, ok - maybe we don't have green grass but you get the general idea.  And yes, I saw a rabbit this morning.  Some of my plants (that should be dormant this time of year) are starting to peek out from the ground. 

Weird huh???  Yeah, I thought so too..

To those who read this blog, I do hope you have a nice holiday season.

Kelly

Christmas time huh?

So I've been seeing Christmas this and Christmas that since the middle of October.  And frankly I'm sick of seeing it.  This has been a very long and hellish year for me and my kids and I just want the new year to start already.

Christmas had always been my favorite holiday (besides Halloween esp. for the candy). My dad would go and get the fake tree from the attic space in the house one day and slowly over the next week or so, a Christmas tree would magically appear.  My parents and I would put up the ornaments and remember where we got them or who gave them (usually to me), etc.  I always got to open the Christmas cards that would show up in the mail, etc.  One year, my now 18 year old daughter, put the fake candy garland in her mouth.  It was funny...

I even got married right before Christmas, why? not sure..but I did. We kept on forgetting every year because of the holiday so we usually celebrated (if we did at all) in June. Do I recommend people get married RIGHT BEFORE Christmas? NO but it's really up to you.  If I had to do it over again, I would certainly pick a day in June or some NICE month. 

Over the years, babies were born, relatives passed away and so on.  My father-in-law passed away on December 15, 2002. So needless to say, that Christmas was weird.  It seemed like every Christmas season someone in the house was sick and I didn't go to the in-law Christmas. Which was fine, because I always feel out of place there. I don't know why, I just do. 

Then my dad passed away in 2003. Since then I haven't been able to fully enjoy any holiday, especially Christmas.  I don't know why I can't shake this but it is what it is.  This year is beyond strange. I filed for divorce, he's still living here, kids are confused beyond all belief, and I'm basically living in the finished basement (which I should not have to but I do)

Things just don't feel Christmas-y around here....

Not sure what to do.....

So, I went to my dermatologist the other day due to a skin infection that was not getting better on it's own. It still amazes me that now, after living with this disorder/disease for 40 years it's just within the past 5-10 years or so that these doctors KNOW what I have and the prognosis is still the same....none...sigh.


Anyways,  I get the common lecture of "have you tried this?  or that? and what were the effects of it?" .  But this doctor gave me a little bit of hope that I just might take him up on.


I was on a clinical drug trial for Accutane when I was 9 (yes you read that right) and this drug actually made me worse than I am.  Dry eyes, drier skin, etc.  Not fun.  And I swore that I would never ever go on anything Accutane related ever again.  Dr. Huang at Froedert Hospital made me think otherwise.  The drug Soritaine was brought up to me several years ago by a different doctor and they scared the crap out of me by listing everything conceivable that could go wrong and never really answered MY questions about it.  They were TOO excited to put me on this drug.  Needless to say, not only did I not go on this drug but I found a different doctor all together.  Hate doctors and practices like that.. Hate Hate Hate.


As I've been getting older, I'm finding out that my skin is actually MORE painful as the season change/weather fronts come and go, etc...Now I'm having a hard time doing the simple tasks of writing with a pen, holding on to a cup or glass with one hand (now I have to use both hands), grocery shopping is a joke - I usually have to bring Nathan with me.  Although he doesn't mind helping me, it's the fact that I need the help more often that is freaking me out.


So back to my dilemma.  Soritaine can make it possible for me to move my hands more freely, the gross skin on my feet could be less, etc.  The doctor said we could start on baby amounts and work up rather than starting at a HUGE dosage and trying to taper down to where it's beneficial.  And yes, there would be monthly vistis to the doctor's and lab work (nothing that I've haven't been through before and will go through for the rest of my life).  But the way I am now is the only way I've ever been, it's the only way I know how to do things. How does one go from being a certain way physically for 40 years and then have the possibility of have "nice" skin? How does one function with the"new" skin??  Is it even worth it at my age? I'm in no way saying that 40 is old. nope not at all....that last question was a weird one but it needed to be asked.


If you were me (not that I wish this disease on ANYONE) would you try a drug that could make your life easier or no?


Hugs
Kelly

The Climb....

And NO I'm not a Miley Cyrus fan AT ALL.  I was listening to the song on the radio, and the lyrics said something to me.  


It's doesn't matter what is on the other side of all this crap I'm going through - it's about the climb to get there and no matter how many times I may fail, I will get there.  It just takes time.

video from YouTube....


This is my inspirational (pop) song for the moment. Can you say, Kelly has this on replay on her Iphone?? hee hee.


Hugs,
Kelly